deep circles

I'm starting this post with words to myself.

"I may not publish this entry"

Now, that's promising!

It reminds me of about 40 years ago, when I was just beginning The Artists' Way by Julia Cameron, and was faced with my first day of Morning Papers.

These daily Papers were to be 1/2 hour of unconscious journaling. 

My first line, all those years ago, was "I'm not sure if I'm doing this right."

That memory has stayed with me, with the disapproving critic sitting on my shoulder.

I flick it away and then it sits idle for a day, a week or longer and then somehow this noise-maker has climbed back next to my right ear.

                              (Okay, I'm  assuming I can move forward with this post)

On Wednesday, my friend P gifted me a book by Meghan Riordan Jarvis called CAN ANYONE TELL ME?  Essential Questions About Grief and Loss. 

I've not read more than 30 pages and yet a few things have already made a valuable imprint.

I have seen myself age these last few years and especially this past year as Brian's health diminished. 

                     The deep circles under my eyes have been especially noticeable.

And then, on page 53, the author writes: "Most people have some sense of what it means to under- or overeat during periods of stress." 

I've lost 8 pounds.

And she continues, "Other visible changes in appearance- bags under the eyes, changes in skin and hair, wearing the same clothes...is mostly a temporary grief response."

Oh, but I'm only wearing this same black pullover every day because it's covered with hair from Oliver, my cat, and I don't want to ruin my other sweaters.  

Right?

I see also that my grief has affected my memory and cognitive ability.  

And, that's scary.

This morning I got into my car to get some decaf coffee beans from Cafe Fantastico.  It was raining and I needed the windsheild wipers on.

And, I couldn't figure out how to start them!

Before I could begin crying, in panic, I turned off the ignition and removed the key.

I started all over again,  relying on my body's memory bank.

It worked,  although I am still worried that I may be "losing it".

I've always hated the expression "take one step at a time" but I'm beginning to understand its value.

So really, steps #1, #2 and #3 are to eat healthy,  keep in touch with friends and to continue the fun I'm having creating collages.

 Oh, and to devote a second sweater to Oliver's hair!

                                                                                      (these collages have not yet been glued down)