so very grateful

On Saturday someone asked me how I was doing.  

My answer was "Up and down."

She responded that grief is not linear.

Yes. Exactly. Thank you.

It was as if I had expected every day, every week and every month to become easier. 

Not so.

It doesn't seem to be that way.

A few days ago I "talked" to Brian, saying "hi Bree".

For that moment I saw him as he had been. 

Several years ago. 

When he was well.

I hadn't seen him this way for a long time and my heart was full.

I've been gathering old photographs together to give to my daughter Hilary so she can add them to the piles of genealogy papers I had researched about 40 years ago.

And there were photographs of the gardens Brian and I had created together.

Perhaps 45 years ago.

                                                                garlic

Raised beds that Brian had built from huge wood slabs and piled with sifted soil and manure that I filled with seeds and young plants that I had started in one of our greenhouses.

dried beans

                                                                    one of our flower beds

Within the many folders, I also found photographs of my early art work, shocked by the realization that I had sold many hundreds of paintings, collages and what I called Talisman Blocks.

I'm smiling right now.

I see us as we were then, young and so much in love.

At this moment I am so very grateful.

 a few from long long ago