Tuesday, 31 December 2019

2020: as always, it's up to us

"We receive the light, then we impart it. Thus we repair the world."
    - Kabbalah

"There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."

"If we get cut off from our passion, where's our compassion going to come from?"
-Matthew Fox

"Live as you will have wished to have lived when you are dying."

-Christian Furchtegott Gellert

Apologies: I don't know the artist of the flying bird or who wrote the final quotation.
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Friday, 13 December 2019

when will I get it!?

when will I get it?!

I asked several friends and family members if they would choose two or three words that they feel describe who I am.

When a few people wondered why I was asking, I told them that I wanted to see if their descriptive words matched my personal self-image.

How do you see me? How do I see myself?

Because of this asking, other memories pushed forward.

When my dear friend Sarah had a brain aneurism and while she was in intensive care, I sat at the hospital for many hours each day. I occasionally made sandwiches for her son as he waited and watched.

One evening, her husband G left a message on my phone, asking for me to call back. Why was he calling? Was he upset with me and how I was sitting vigil for Sarah? Or was it something else? I finally gathered my courage and phoned.

In fact, G was phoning to ask if I would be willing to be their Power Of Attorney.

Far from a dismissal, he was instead feeling trust and the closeness of our relationship.

When my neighbour J and I were visiting this afternoon, I talked about my early sense of self.

I  described how my sense of  worth increased when my high school husband-to-be dated me many weeks in a row rather that his standard not-getting-involved-once-a-month-kinda-date.

I felt special. He was the top of his class, popular and he chose me.

Describing this to J, I realized that I had never once thought that he was lucky to have found me!

And we married.  And later divorced.

                 Old stories.  Old insecurities.

When I asked for these descriptive words, I thought it might allow me to see positive parts of myself that I may have discounted or under-valued. And perhaps to see traits that I have disowned because of my belief that they are negative.

As expected, no one hit me hard with negatives.  Though  I did say it was allowed!

"Creative" wasn't a surprise, but it became more powerful when it was mated with "focused".
"Leader "and "caring" partnered was another combination that I could hold close.

When "powerhouse" was chosen twice, I thought it was indicating a pushy Jackie, barreling along, running over people.  However, when I googled the word, I was surprised to see that this was not a negative connotation. Rather I now see it as a strength!
  1. pow·er·house
    1. a person or thing of great energy, strength, or power.

I love when a friend didn't stop at two words so that she could add "strongly principled, fiercely supportive!!"

And from someone who has known me for years, "oh that's easy. ...caring

And when I asked what the meaning of "precise" was to her she said "knowing exactly what needs to be done or what you want."

So, it seems that I have been too quick to call myself, all in CAPS, "BOSSY", when likely it can be lowercase "bossy"with a dash of "precise" thrown in!

"Precise" cautions me that I need to be aware of the FONT!

Someone chose "determined", which, if it hadn't been coupled with "generous", I might have of believed was "stubborn" or "dogmatic". And, it's really not the same thing at all!

Looking at the descriptive words that people shared with me, I hold "generous" and "kind" closest to my heart. This is how I wish to be seen and to be remembered.

Although "powerhouse" has a wonderful ring to it!

This exercise has been a remarkable experience.

Maybe it can help lessen the weight of these early beliefs and allow me to  grow more fully into who I truly am.

Thumb my nose and say.....

                              abracadabra and piss off!

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