Tuesday, 31 December 2019

2020: as always, it's up to us

"We receive the light, then we impart it. Thus we repair the world."
    - Kabbalah

"There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."

"If we get cut off from our passion, where's our compassion going to come from?"
-Matthew Fox

"Live as you will have wished to have lived when you are dying."

-Christian Furchtegott Gellert

Apologies: I don't know the artist of the flying bird or who wrote the final quotation.
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Friday, 13 December 2019

when will I get it!?

when will I get it?!

I asked several friends and family members if they would choose two or three words that they feel describe who I am.

When a few people wondered why I was asking, I told them that I wanted to see if their descriptive words matched my personal self-image.

How do you see me? How do I see myself?

Because of this asking, other memories pushed forward.

When my dear friend Sarah had a brain aneurism and while she was in intensive care, I sat at the hospital for many hours each day. I occasionally made sandwiches for her son as he waited and watched.

One evening, her husband G left a message on my phone, asking for me to call back. Why was he calling? Was he upset with me and how I was sitting vigil for Sarah? Or was it something else? I finally gathered my courage and phoned.

In fact, G was phoning to ask if I would be willing to be their Power Of Attorney.

Far from a dismissal, he was instead feeling trust and the closeness of our relationship.

When my neighbour J and I were visiting this afternoon, I talked about my early sense of self.

I  described how my sense of  worth increased when my high school husband-to-be dated me many weeks in a row rather that his standard not-getting-involved-once-a-month-kinda-date.

I felt special. He was the top of his class, popular and he chose me.

Describing this to J, I realized that I had never once thought that he was lucky to have found me!

And we married.  And later divorced.

                 Old stories.  Old insecurities.

When I asked for these descriptive words, I thought it might allow me to see positive parts of myself that I may have discounted or under-valued. And perhaps to see traits that I have disowned because of my belief that they are negative.

As expected, no one hit me hard with negatives.  Though  I did say it was allowed!

"Creative" wasn't a surprise, but it became more powerful when it was mated with "focused".
"Leader "and "caring" partnered was another combination that I could hold close.

When "powerhouse" was chosen twice, I thought it was indicating a pushy Jackie, barreling along, running over people.  However, when I googled the word, I was surprised to see that this was not a negative connotation. Rather I now see it as a strength!
  1. pow·er·house
    1. a person or thing of great energy, strength, or power.

I love when a friend didn't stop at two words so that she could add "strongly principled, fiercely supportive!!"

And from someone who has known me for years, "oh that's easy. ...caring

And when I asked what the meaning of "precise" was to her she said "knowing exactly what needs to be done or what you want."

So, it seems that I have been too quick to call myself, all in CAPS, "BOSSY", when likely it can be lowercase "bossy"with a dash of "precise" thrown in!

"Precise" cautions me that I need to be aware of the FONT!

Someone chose "determined", which, if it hadn't been coupled with "generous", I might have of believed was "stubborn" or "dogmatic". And, it's really not the same thing at all!

Looking at the descriptive words that people shared with me, I hold "generous" and "kind" closest to my heart. This is how I wish to be seen and to be remembered.

Although "powerhouse" has a wonderful ring to it!

This exercise has been a remarkable experience.

Maybe it can help lessen the weight of these early beliefs and allow me to  grow more fully into who I truly am.

Thumb my nose and say.....

                              abracadabra and piss off!

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Wednesday, 13 November 2019

that's Cuba!

Yesterday I started  making chutney.  It was to use some of the amazing Bramley apples that our  neighbours and friends Rick and Joanne had given us.  Each apple the size of a large grapefruit.  Delicious to slice and eat and perfect for cooking. While we lived in the Cowichan Valley, I made about 100 jars of chutney.  Apple, pear, plum and stone fruit combinations of apricots and peaches.  But that was over 20 years ago.

Initially, I likely followed a recipe but I soon dispensed with that and, as my mum used to say, I now fly by the seat of my pants.

This time I wrote the quantities down as I added ingredients to the saucepan, scratching out and rewriting the numbers as they were altered. 1 cup of brown sugar became 1 1/4 cups and the amount of chopped crystalized ginger increased as well.

I have always loved making chutney, both because of its forgiving nature and because of the wonderful smell that fills the kitchen as it simmers.  Though it needs almost constant attention as it cooks down and thickens, there is a meditative nature to the process.

 A perfect pot, a wooden spoon and lots of time.

I shopped for most of the ingredients for this year's chutney at my local small supermarket, Pepper's, and at the next-door bulk food store, For Good Measure. Apple cider vinegar, Black River organic sweet apple cider and ginger root from Pepper's and sun-dried apricots, brown sugar and both organic crystallized ginger and Thompson raisins from the bulk food store.

I went to another store to find small B.C. pears that were perfectly ripe.

All of these purchases because I had been gifted a small bag of beautiful apples!

All of these purchases made in our neighbourhood. In stores where I had an array of choice. Three kinds of raisins, four varieties of brown and raw sugar, several choices of pears and a number of apple vinegar varieties.

Now, step back two weeks to when Brian and I were in Havana/Habana, staying once again at the casa particular with our wonderful hosts, Rafeala  and Willie.

Riding in Willie's diesel -powered old Renault, we started off to find cheese for me and apple juice to settle Rafeala's stomach.

We drove about 1/2 hour to the shopping centre I had visited with Willie in May. We paid to park and then went to line up with several dozen people patiently waiting their turns to enter the supermarket.  Only a certain number of people can  shop at the same time and shopping bags are carefully examined with the bill of sales upon exiting.

Rafaela spoke to the person who was monitoring access to inquire about the variety of cheeses available on this day.  There was only one kind and Rafaela told us that it was very acidic and unsuitable.

So our journey, spanning several hours, continued.

At the second fairly large store we saw two young men unloading cartons from a truck and placing them near the store's back entrance.  They told us that the store was closed because of this and didn't know when it would reopen.

Willie voiced a refrain I was becoming familiar with..."That's Cuba!".

A third store was closed though a sign on the door cited its hours as 9 a.m. until 6 p.m.

At the fourth store Willie again paid to park and Rafaela and I entered.  She instructed me to crumple up my shopping bag so that there would be no suspicion of shoplifting.  Finding that there was no cheese, we went to the aisle that held juice.  Rows and rows, shelves and shelves of pineapple juice.  Every tetra pak of juice identical to its neighbour. Nothing other than pineapple juice.

The fifth store again had neither cheese nor apple juice.

The sixth was closed.

The seventh store had cheese!  A tiny free-standing counter had small pieces of Gouda and a stack of the cheese already sliced.  Rafaela suggested I buy 5 CUC (tourist money, 1 CUC equivalent to about $1.35 Canadian) and the employee cut and wrapped it for us.  While Raphaela was chatting, I took a brief walk around the store, my flattened bag tucked under my arm.

Again, no apple juice.

Whereas the other supermarket had many hundreds of containers of pineapple juice, here I saw an entire aisle with its shelves stacked only with bottles of cooking oil. One variety. The oil I see in my casa's kitchen.

Several months previous, in Habana, there had been a shortage of this very same oil!

"That's Cuba!"

When I visited Havana this time, I filled a portion of a carry-on suitcase with "treats" for Rafaela and Willie.  I had searched many stores for the more delicate pink peppercorns that Willie had once tried and now coveted. (Root Cellar- three containers) Wonderful shampoo, several bars of gentle Dove soap, full-sized Pro-Enamel toothpaste, many freezer Zip Lock bags (forgive me!) Polysporin, Tylenol and lots of bandaids.

On my previous trip to Havana, I noticed that Willie had bought four bandaids from a pharmacy.  Bandaids purchased individually. So, on this trip, I brought every size and type of bandaid I could find as well as gauze pads and both plastic and paper tape.

I also gave Rafaela two wonderful pattered nylon shopping bags.

And, of course, small cars and trucks for their much-loved young grandson.

A contrast from my life?  For sure.

I have a wee piece of paper from a wrapped gift I had received that says "thank you".  I keep it in the centre of our dining table and look at it many times a day as a reminder.

To remember how very fortunate I am to be living in Canada, and in this city, Victoria.

And to remember how fortunate I am to have a home and enough money to live comfortably and to share some of it with people less fortunate.

Thank you thank you thank you.

                    Every day be kind.  Be generous.  Don't judge.  Be thankful.

                                                              " That's Cuba!"
Jackie's chutney- this time!

11 C apples, chopped
3 C pears, chopped
1T+ minced ginger root
1/2 C+ 1T crystalized ginger, chopped
1 C  dried apricots, chopped
1/2 C Thompson raisins, chopped
3/4 C onion, chopped
1 1/4 C light brown sugar
1 1/2 C Black River organic sweet apple cider
1 1/2 C apple cider vinegar

In a heavy bottomed pot mix the ingredients and bring to a gentle boil.  And now it's the meditative part!  Reduce the heat and cook, stirring often, and stirring even more often as the chutney begins to blend, darken and thicken.

Slow cooking takes longer but tastes better! The vinegar looses its bite as it gently cooks.

Saturday, 31 August 2019

when we die where do we go?

I have recently discovered a photograph of my dear friend Jean, carefully tucked away so I wouldn't lose it.  In it, she is standing in the water with her youngest daughter, waving to the person taking the picture.

Soon after this glorious picture was taken, Jean's life on this earth, on this dimension, ended.

I still talk to her and deeply mourn her absence.

Looking at plants she gave me, I remember the times we worked together in our gardens. When it's blackberry season I remember the many times that she & Brian gathered berries along her driveway in the Cowichan Valley. From Jean I know that if I crumple a piece of parchment paper under water I can  then fit it snuggly into a pan with sides.  I learned the best way to slice an avocado.

Jean knit me special multi-coloured gloves with the fingers of wool  just reaching the middle joint, so that I could take photographs with them on.

Thousands of hours spent with Jean helped me understand what love and friendship means. What it did not do was prepare me for loss.

So where is Jean now?

I know it sounds foolish, but it's as if she is waiting, a little to the side somewhere, close but not close enough to touch.

Does it help to read Paul R. Fleischman's thoughts that " Nothing is solid, permanent, and immutable. Every ‘thing’ is really an ‘event.’ Even a stone is a form of river, and a mountain is only a slow wave. The Buddha said, sabbe sankhâra anicca — the entire universe is fluid.”

The fluidity of life and death and life.

In "The Japanese Lover" by Isabel Allende, Alma, an elderly resident at a senior retirement community is asked by Lenny if she is afraid of dying. Alma responds “A little. I imagine that after death there’s no contact with this world, no suffering, personality, or memory; it’s as though this Alma Belasco had neve existed. Something may transcend it: the spirit, the essence of our being. But I confess I am afraid of giving up this body…..”

When he is asked the same question by Alma, Lenny responds "“No, I suppose that what comes after death is the same as before birth."

Peace, my heart, let the time for
the parting be sweet.
Let it not be a death but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain
into songs.
Let the flight through the sky end
in the folding of the wings over the
Let the last touch of your hands be
gentle like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a
moment, and say your last words in
I bow to you and hold up my lamp
to light you on your way

Rabindranath Tagore
(1861 - 1941)

Louise Cordana writes "All who have been touched by beauty are touched by sorrow at its passing. "

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Sunday, 4 August 2019


joy is an art

Know that joy is rarer, more difficult, and more beautiful than sadness. Once you make this all-important discovery, you must embrace joy as a moral obligation.
—André Gide

I have just returned from a morning walk, down to Willows beach continuing to Cattle Point and looping back along the Camas Trail. 

A cool shower and fresh clothes have revived me.

To the left of the boat launching ramp at Cattle Point, I saw a gay red and white umbrella sheltering three men from the sun. They were seated on folding chairs and each sported a wide-brimmed straw hat. For a moment one man turned to speak to his friend and I saw that he was smoking a cigar.  Keeping my gaze on the old codgers, I saw that each man had a cigar, and the fragrant smell followed me as I moved away.

A joyous gathering.

As I looped back, I saw a young couple heading for the beach at Willows. They held take-out coffees and the young woman carried the familiar pink box of a neighbourhood bakery.

Closer to home, walking down one of Oak Bay's many lanes, I smiled as I saw three small bikes, lying on their sides in a fenced back yard. They seemed to be dropped just as their young riders must have leapt off to begin another adventure. Or maybe it had been bedtime the night before, and they had been called indoors. Three siblings, perhaps. 

The joy of connections.

The joy of endless summer. 

As I continued along the lane, I saw a sturdy rack that held three colourful kayaks, a garden that overflowed with colour and white blossoms gathering on the ground from a huge tree that I hope survives at least as long as I do.  

Small things, maybe. And maybe not.

If I hadn't walked this morning, I would have missed these treasured sights.

I would also have missed the sounds that the geese made as they scrounged in the seaweed for food and the birds calling out to one another. I wonder again why walkers and runners "plug themselves in" along such a heavenly area.

Early last evening I spent more than an hour gathering seeds in our back garden. At first I collected the tiny black ones from my self-seeding annual poppies.  I call them Pennington-Poppies as these flowers originated from a home I rented with my two young daughters about 40 years ago in the Cowichan Valley, my first stop on Vancouver Island.

Cutting the seed pods from browning plants, I stood them stem upwards in an empty yogurt container.

There was silence, except for the muted sound of my steps and the tapping of the poppy heads gathering in my container.

Clearly the joy I experienced might not be everyone's! Just as people differ from one another, so too what we enjoy and consider joyous differs as well.

For me, joy is an opening. A feeling of expansion. Of being in the present. 

Joy is noticing the beauty surrounding us and the goodness sometimes hidden deep inside people.

André Gide writes that joy is a moral obligation, and never more so than now as there have been two mass shootings in the United States in a span of just 24 hours. 

Never more than now as men and women experience homelessness in part because there is not enough low-cost housing, and when children are kept in cages, separated from their families.

We must counter the fear and hate by embracing love and joy, doing what we can in our own communities to give balance to our lives and to the lives of our adopted neighbours.  

Theopedia describes joy as "a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope."

Once we have discovered this, embracing joy becomes a necessity.

And, for each one of us, it is also an obligation.

painting of Sidney Crosby by Greg Robertson

Wednesday, 24 July 2019


I am only on page 50 of Atul Gawande's 2014 book "Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End" and I have already concluded that  I need to own this book, not continuously renew it from the library.

Gawande writes that "the story of aging is the story of our parts."

                                                                                                                                                             He begins by going through the parts of the human body and describing how they change from early in our lives to middle age through to our elder years.  Teeth, hands, blood vessels and the heart

He describes that while the heart muscle thickens, making it necessary to generate more pressure, muscle elsewhere thins. By age eighty, one has lost "between a quarter and a half of one's muscle weight."

 The marathon runner in her nineties is a very dramatic exception!

While the elderly population is growing rapidly, the number of practicing geriatricians has fallen.

So, imagine my delight when I saw an office on Blanshard Street with the large letters "Elder  Chiropractic".  I thought that it was such a great idea to specifically treat seniors, realizing that our bodies have changed significantly over the years.

Then I saw that a sandwich board had been placed by the door. The sign said Dr. James K. Elder.

I started to laugh!

    Agatha Christie                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

                                               an image from Story People

Wednesday, 8 May 2019


This has been a difficult blog entry to write. The most difficult EVER!

My usual process is to sit down at the computer in the early morning, when I feel that I need to write. I don't know where my words and sentences will lead me; I just begin.

I read the first few sentences out loud to feel how they sound and then carry on, reading my emerging blog entry aloud from time to time.

Well, first of all, I began this entry last evening.   One strike against me.

Second of all, I had something I felt I needed to say. Two strikes.

And the third strike was that I intended to insert some political thoughts into the posting.

And, changing the fundamental rules of baseball, allowing a fourth strike,  I can't seem to transfer many of my photographs from my laptop to the desktop where I write my blog.

So, Ive trashed the entire post and I'm starting again. Or, rather, I will be starting again tomorrow morning!

And I will use just the photographs that I am able to transfer.

Body image issues, especially in Habana, drew my attention nearly every day of this, my 3rd trip to Cuba.  The popular clothing for women, except for the most elderly, is tights worn usually with a closely- fitted top. Wide hips, big asses and rounded stomachs are not camouflaged.

There seems to be an acceptance- no, rather a pride- in a woman's physical being. A sensual energy that I have not experienced for many decades.

There was an image I had wanted to print after my first visit, nearly a year ago.  The photograph was of a middle-aged woman, standing in front of the farmacia, wearing turquoise blue tights.  I was dissuaded from printing it as several friends thought it inappropriate to show such a heavy-set woman, thinking I had chosen it for that very reason.

Well, I had, but not for the reason my critics thought.

Here was a woman, on her cell phone, comfortable in her body.

Clearly, I hadn't learned a thing. On my first morning back in Victoria, I stepped on the scale.

While my physical self-image was still difficult for me to embrace, with Willie and Rafeala, my hosts at their casa particular, I felt total acceptance of my essential being, who I am, fully.  I often said things that made us laugh. First me and Willie and then Rafaela joining in when the words were translated into Spanish. The laughter from deep inside, spilling over.

The lightness of being that we experience when there is trust and caring.

I didn't consider that I might be too talkative, too loud or too bossy; things I sometimes feel at home in Victoria. The fearful "am I good enough?" was totally absent.

In Habana, I was me, completely. I was met by my hosts, who were entirely present to themselves, and who told me that they not only accepted who I was, but that they embraced me fully.

I was family, in a culture where family is treasured above all.

This April, I was witness to another layer of Cuba. The layer lying beneath the vibrancy, humour and openness of the people.  Alongside  the music and the dancing colours, I saw a life that was difficult.

While I saw children in their school uniforms and Cubans receiving medical treatment at no cost, I also saw food shortages and government restrictions.

                         people lining up to buy chicken at a shopping centre

For me as a visitor, this tiny glimpse into daily life was only one small piece, a first sentence in a very long story.

I know that my heart is full and that I will be going back to Cuba.


Signed by President Díaz-Canel in April and published in Cuba’s Official Gazette in July, Decree 349 is expected to come into force in December 2018.
Under the decree, all artists, including collectives, musicians and performers, are prohibited from operating in public or private spaces without prior approval by the Ministry of Culture. Individuals or businesses that hire artists without the authorization can be sanctioned, and artists that work without prior approval can have their materials confiscated or be substantially fined. Under the new decree, the authorities also have the power to immediately suspend a performance and to propose the cancelation of the authorization granted to carry out the artistic activity. Such decisions can only be appealed before the same Ministry of Culture (Article 10); the decree does not provide an effective remedy to appeal such a decision before an independent body, including through the courts.]

This has not come into effect at this time because of pressure from groups and artists outside Cuba.
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