relief

 I've moved from "Will I Ever?" to feelings bordering on "relief".

My new neighbour, a young man renting the suite next door, carried a Costco table downstairs for me. It's in the dining room, already covered with books.

Some are open to pages that I can cut up: insects, faces and even backgrounds from a very old book of typing exercises.

These are books deemed "Not Wanted" by former owners.

There is barely room on the dining table for me to sit with a small bowl of fruit, sprinkled with granola.

Sometimes Oliver sits on a chair, bewildered.

Bewildered, but soon moving on to sleep or to demand another helping of cat crumble.

It's been a hard time for me.  

Choosing a headstone reinforces the fact that my life's journey is no longer shared with my sweet husband.

I believe that his spirit lives ....somewhere....

But where?? 

In the sky? In the studio? 

Maybe everywhere.

I'm moving closer to forgiving myself for words unspoken.

And I believe that Brian knew all these words of love, spoken out loud or whispered directly from my heart.

Cutting paper again and pasting it down is a step.  

I remember a game we played called Mother may I? where we lined up and asked another child, who was blindfolded, if we could take steps forward.  She might respond that we could indeed take a step, though she usually added, "Yes, you may take three baby steps".

I remember the disappointment I felt that that the blindfolded child didn't say that I could take three GIANT steps!

So, here I am again, back with the three baby steps.  

But I'm back.