Saturday 29 January 2022

our inside selves

A few days ago I visited with an artist-friend in our studio.   My newly made Seville marmalade was the excuse for our meeting and partnered with her freshly baked scones, we settled into conversation.

I had shared some of my Letter Poems with her through email, and I showed her another,  pulled from the drawer. It was one I knew well, so I recited it to her rather than reading it.

She immediately said that she wanted to video me, standing against the white wall behind us, reciting the poem.  My reaction was loud and clear...."absolutely not!"  The suggestion ignited terror in me.

She responded that she was completely surprised by my reaction as she sees me as a person "out there" and "so self-confident".

Other people have said  something similar. It's what they see. It's not how I usually see myself.

I often come back to something a therapist shared with me, perhaps 30 years ago: 

"We compare our inside selves to other people's outside selves."

I think that my friend was comparing her vulnerable inside self to my outside self. Meanwhile,  I see her as an artist, not only of creative excellence, but also of great confidence.

Later in the day, while speaking to a friend, I spoke of a memory I had from my early days in Duncan.  At that time, I had immersed myself in painting: I was free and having a wonderful time.  

An artist friend invited Brian and me to her studio where she had a show of perhaps 40 portraits painted on small metal panels.  We took our time looking at her work, and chose one to buy.  

My perception was that she was extremely confident in her work to exhibit such a large number of paintings.  

What that meant to me was that she was super confident!

I was comparing my inside self to her outside self.

I am preparing to have books of my Letter Poems printed, perhaps as early as this week.


HOW BRAVE! 

Yes, that my be true, however that does not stop me from trash talking to myself! 

"What am I thinking?!"  "Who will want to buy one?!" "I think I should reduce the number of copies Island Blue is printing!"  

These negative thoughts are then added to my criticizing the poems I've selected to have printed.

So, while people see my bravery and confidence, they don't see the inner torment I'm facing, the "not good enough" cloud resting on my shoulders.

Writing this, I see that my vulnerability is part of who I am.  This emotional exposure and uncertainty makes me easily hurt, however it moves me forward.  It allows me to risk, trying new things



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1 comment:

  1. Hard for me to address this conundrum (outside/inside), Jackie, though i think i get it. What i can say - with quite a bit of confidence - is that the 7-8 diverse creations of yours that grace our shelves and walls exude assurance and poise, be it via design, hues, and angle, probing the matter at hand. Dayeynu!

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