my dear friend

 I am going through our book shelves once again.

"Will I ever read this book?"  I ask myself. And the question, "Will I reread this book?" follows in quick succession.

A pile of "No I won't" balances precariously on an Ikea black stool in our den.

I see a piece of paper tucked between the "30 Minute Seder" haggadah and The Diary of Anne Frank.

As I begin to read, I see it is a letter I wrote several years ago after my dear friend Jean died.

Today, as my blog entry, I will transcribe this note, just as I wrote it. 

It is an honouring of Jean.  

"dear source. I am needing your comfort right now as I feel compressed- holding myself too close- I wish to understand where to find comfort for the sadness I am feeling with the loss of my dear friend   Jean and the sadness I feel that I will not be able to walk around the neighbourhood with her and notice the trees' cones and the flowers, with falling seeds to put into our pockets. Who will miss me, I wonder- and where is Jean now? I believe she must be somewhere, floating around making shadows on my studio wall- beside me as I tidy my garden. Oh, the source of all- where do people go when they die? Where will I go? Who will hold my shadow in their arms, as I hold Jean's.

My dear Jackie- your heart is open- to sadness and also to love. The sadness will never leave you fully- it will sit and mix with gladness & the joy that your heart also holds. You will still notice the flowering plants & you will still gather seeds & put them in your pockets. The memories of Jean will be a part of your life forever. It will not be in the same way, and remember there are many many ways. An uncountable series of thoughts & feelings, and you will experience them all.

Jean is with you- though in a different manner than before.  Your parents are also beside you always. In the sun's rays, in the clouds' forms and in the dancing shadows on your studio walls."

   May her memory be a blessing.

This is the letter I found, tucked between 2 books

   If you would like to comment, please send me an email, or a message on Facebook