come sit with me a moment

'There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.  You surround yourself with people who make you laugh.  Forget the bad and focus on the good.  Love the people who treat you well....Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.'
-Jose N. Harris

It's been a rough couple of days: the aspect of fibromyalgia that crushes me most is the exhaustion. The fatigue that I feel, even first thing in the morning, after a 'good sleep.'

I have found out first-hand, that one of the defining symptoms of F.M. is non-restorative sleep.


The Mayo Clinic describes F.M. in this way:
Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals.

I can have good days, several good weeks or perhaps good months, but then WHAM! my energy is gone and my roving body pain has returned. One of the difficulties is that generally there is no warning- I'm present today and gone tomorrow:  sensitive to the weather, noise, various smells and heat and cold. That certainly doesn't make me good company!  And, some of the time, I feel like a short-tempered complainer.  Because of this, I sometimes/often push myself.

Problems with memory and concentration (nicknamed fibrofog) are a huge challenge  for me.  Before I learned more about F.M., I was frightened I was getting Alzheimer's. At times I seem to lose my ability to play Mah Jongg, carry on an intelligent conversation or to focus.  I'll start a task and then be unable to complete it.

I know I'm fromtheothersideofseventy but that's not the only issue here!

I have been going to a Fibromyalgia Self-Mamagement Course at the Arthritis Centre-  6 classes taken and 3 more ahead.  The 'leader', Carol Ray, is outstanding: as a person living with chronic fatigue, she 'Get's It.' The 5 women remaining in the class have developed a trust, a safety to share, which is proving to be a life-line for me.

Just before the close of class yesterday, I related a F.M. experience from the day before: In the morning, I had visited Finnerty Gardens at U. Vic with three friends.  I hadn't brought my camera because I  felt it might be 'anti-social' or hold people up. (wrong)  Once home, the sweep of exhaustion and nausea overcame me.  Internally, I berated myself for feeling that way, while, at the same time, I experienced remorse at not capturing some of the garden's beauty on my camera. (double beat up!)
So, to prove goodness knows what to myself, I returned to U.Vic at about 3 o'clock.

I went through the campus entry-gate and tried to remember where the white 'freckled' rhodo had been. Where the tall deciduous tree with plum-pit-looking seeds was located. The paths felt like a maze and my anxiety began to increase.  And where was the large and beautiful stand of bamboo? I felt increasing panic. I became dislocated and fearful that I would be unable to find my way out of the garden to the car park. While not known for my great sense of direction, this fearful confusion was unlike anything I had previously experienced.

While trying to prove that my fatigue would not beat me down, I had pushed myself directly into it's arms.

I was not being kind and caring to myself. I was not listening.

There is a pamphlet from the Arthritis Society on Fibromyalgia which asks the question How Can I Manage Fibromyalgia?  #4 on the list is  'Learn more about your condition and share that information with family and friends, so they can understand.'

So this is my 'share'