in my heart

I'm writing this late in the afternoon, late enough that I have asparagus spears, red and orange small peppers and onion roasting in the oven. They will be tossed with pasta for dinner.
 

I even have some pesto that I might add.

It's about compromised health and coping, that's burning a hole in my brain right now.

Brian's health. 

The health of Brian, my husband of 42 years. 

The health of the man who built about 50 raised beds in Duncan so I could have a herb business and grow vegetables and have a whole large bed of magnificent scented peonies.

The Brian who always fills my car with gas.

The Brian with whom I share a studio.

The Brian I love.

                                            That Brian.

I'm not writing to talk about health issues, but rather to attempt to see, through writing, how I can better manage.

How I can be strong and still honour the weight of pain that I feel.

How I can be strong and accept that it's hard and it's okay to slip up.

And to slip up again.

And to apologize if my slip up hurts.

I remember an expression I heard a great number of years ago, when someone had a partner or a child who had recently died. "God gives you only what you have the strength to bear." 

It seemed to imply that the weaker person wouldn't have had the trauma. That in fact the person was suffering because she was strong and able to manage!

Being strong was not an asset.

I have recently turned 80 and although someone this morning called me a fireball,  I certainly don't have the energy I once had, even 5 years ago.

Even a fireball can't keep burning!

I am tired a lot these days, often stumbling towards exhaustion.

Recently I took the wrong route to a place I have always known well, feeling panicked and not knowing how to right myself. 

So, the signals of stress are clear. The question is will I heed them?

Jackie's New Rules:

#1 Get some ready-made food to augment the food I've prepared.

#2 Set aside some time each day to read and additional time to write.

#3 Return to my morning walks, at least 4 times a week, and not rely on friends to partner with me.

#5 Drink less and laugh more.

That seems pretty easy (ha!) but who will I be accountable to?  

I'll think about it after I pour myself a rum and eggnog.

I'll laugh later.

tears of love

and of sadness

a future obscured by mist

and a past already decided