risking being me

I haven't written a blog entry for three months.

It's been a challenging time, and living the challenges has been enough, writing about them would have been too much.

Challenges can appear in many forms.  

For someone, it might be running faster than previously, losing weight, being promoted at work or losing your job. 

It might be trying to remember your own name.

 Or the challenge to keep from losing your temper.    (read: to keep from losing MY temper!)

Brian has been having health problems- primarily problems with his kidneys, just like his brother in Britain. And there are other medical issues that we are mainly supporting with pills.

I am the reminder. 

The reminder, squared.

The nag.

"Drink water, take your pills."

And sliding easily into "You haven't been drinking enough water. You haven't yet taken your morning pills and it's mid-afternoon now."

Blame blame.

At these times I have become a person I don't like very much.  A few days ago I wrote in my notebook: "If I met myself today would I like me?"

How can I be gentle with this person I love? 

Parkinson's Disease and kidney problems aren't his fault. There is no one to blame.

"Just get over it, Jackie!"

BUT........I need to forgive myself for the pain and frustration I feel. This wasn't how I had expected my life to turn.  

But, quite honestly,  I had no concrete assumptions  at all.

When Brian and I married 42 years ago we were both healthy and strong. Working in our gardens for hours each day and spending additional hours in our art studio. Cooking fabulous meals from the produce we grew and eating chickens raised by friends.

We were young!!

I will be 80 years old next week.  I thought getting old would take longer!

But I'm still engaged and full of energy. The expression "full of piss and vinegar" comes to mind.

To say that people are “full of piss and vinegar” is to say that they are brimming with energy... “vinegar” being an old slang term for enthusiastic energy.

But I'm more impatient now. 

Less tolerant of stupid people. 

Probably wanting my own way even more often.

But the biggest, most important change is that I'm way more likely to risk being me!

Here I am, receiving birthday presents from my friends, as they describe me in a single word: *mom *artist *friend *youthful *strong *dynamo *creative*resolute *supportive *compassionate *honest *unstoppable *onward  *caring  *loyal *frank *straightforward *engaged *creative *artistic *curious *generous *open-hearted *authentic *trustworthy *dedicated *gracious *passionate *exuberant *resilient *honest *loyal *electric *visionary *inspiring *sensitive*vulnerable *אוֹתֶנְטִי  *INDOMITABLE!

And, tomorrow, I'm going mushroom hunting with a friend.

these are amazing birthday present words given to me:

"You have an eye for finding not only the beautiful in everyday life, but also
the needs of others in every day life."

  I know that this is 3 words but I love it! 

       *boundless without boundaries