It's been a challenging time, and living the challenges has been enough, writing about them would have been too much.
Challenges can appear in many forms.
For someone, it might be running faster than previously, losing weight, being promoted at work or losing your job.
It might be trying to remember your own name.
Or the challenge to keep from losing your temper. (read: to keep from losing MY temper!)
Brian has been having health problems- primarily problems with his kidneys, just like his brother in Britain. And there are other medical issues that we are mainly supporting with pills.
I am the reminder.
The reminder, squared.
The nag.
"Drink water, take your pills."
And sliding easily into "You haven't been drinking enough water. You haven't yet taken your morning pills and it's mid-afternoon now."
Blame blame.
At these times I have become a person I don't like very much. A few days ago I wrote in my notebook: "If I met myself today would I like me?"
How can I be gentle with this person I love?
"Just get over it, Jackie!"
BUT........I need to forgive myself for the pain and frustration I feel. This wasn't how I had expected my life to turn.
But, quite honestly, I had no concrete assumptions at all.
When Brian and I married 42 years ago we were both healthy and strong. Working in our gardens for hours each day and spending additional hours in our art studio. Cooking fabulous meals from the produce we grew and eating chickens raised by friends.
We were young!!
I will be 80 years old next week. I thought getting old would take longer!
But I'm still engaged and full of energy. The expression "full of piss and vinegar" comes to mind.
To say that people are “full of piss and vinegar” is to say that they are brimming with energy... “vinegar” being an old slang term for enthusiastic energy.
But I'm more impatient now.
Less tolerant of stupid people.
Probably wanting my own way even more often.
But the biggest, most important change is that I'm way more likely to risk being me!
Here I am, receiving birthday presents from my friends, as they describe me in a single word: *mom *artist *friend *youthful *strong *dynamo *creative*resolute *supportive *compassionate *honest *unstoppable *onward *caring *loyal *frank *straightforward *engaged *creative *artistic *curious *generous *open-hearted *authentic *trustworthy *dedicated *gracious *passionate *exuberant *resilient *honest *loyal *electric *visionary *inspiring *sensitive*vulnerable *אוֹתֶנְטִי *INDOMITABLE!
And, tomorrow, I'm going mushroom hunting with a friend.
the needs of others in every day life."
I know that this is 3 words but I love it!
Your honesty, Jackie, is refreshing. You admit to being a complex and multilayered person - like the flower images you’ve posted. And like them - you are colourful! I love the “risking being me”. You wanna change spots for a day? …
ReplyDeleteJackie,I guess it must be difficult to realize that someone you love is slowly losing the life they once had.That fact that you are still healthy probably doesn't help either, why Brian what has he done to deserve this, that's what I think 🤔 about myself, suddenly things that were easy become hard. Caring for someone does not come easy,it takes time to adapt, you have that time,inside you have that ability. It's really hard to realise that your lives are slowly changing. Brian is my brother and I love him, I'm relying on you to give him the best life you can whilst enjoying yours.Always remember it's not his fault.
ReplyDeleteJackie you are one of the very best people I know in terms of your integrity and compassion for others. That has to be enough. Turning 80 is a milestone for sure. Only a generation ago and even now many people don’t make it there. The creator will give you the strength to do what needs to be done in this critical time for both you and Brian. Two of our favourite people. You are gifts to this community. Love you lots….
ReplyDeleteNice honest piece of writing. Thanks Jackie and love to both of you.
ReplyDelete